|Clearing the Air
||[Aug. 18th, 2005|07:14 pm]
Today Dr. Ellings -- whom I have already come to love, for her commitment to our learning -- was out; the community practice team hung out with emergency... that is to say, we waited almost all day for an emergency to come in, talking and eating, then got involved with an interesting case (and a really cool emergency doc) right before it was time for us to leave. And I realized today that, having spent last weekend philosophizing, thinking over what's wrong with me and TALKING about it has helped, immensely. I also realized that the chronic pain of my back injury (and recent exacerbation) has improved to the point of functionality again, and my attitude has improved commensurately.
As rain brings the fish to the surface, so pain brings the silent anguish in my emotional waters to the surface.
And as rain clears the air, so suddenly, in the absence of pain, I can think more clearly again, can function more efficiently.
Talking with other students feels better, too -- I don't feel like I'm the only lame, inefficient student with poor technical skills and a crummy memory around, missing important details and taking way longer than I ought. Roush used to say that "good comes first, fast comes later", but that's not what's emphasized in our clinical year. We are constantly pushed to pick up the pace. And that's when I miss things.
I'm grateful that this rotation is laid-back, and I have vacation next. I need some time to focus on other things. And I miss Brent so badly my teeth ache. He'll be here in a week and a half. I have so much to do before then, and all I want to do is sleep...
Have started dreaming again, this rotation. Haven't remembered a dream in I don't know how long. So suddenly, I'm having all of these VIVID, wild dreams that I remember with perfect clarity. I'm also visiting a lot of habitual dreamscapes -- places that may or may not exist in the real world, but they certainly exist in my dreams, and I love visiting them.
I'm still disappointed in some of my grades -- feel that I worked harder than those grades showed, and wish I could go back to those rotations and ASK what I could have done better, that was within my capabilities of doing. My clinical grades are very different than my academic ones... as I knew they would be. But the poor grades feel like a stab in the back, after I tried my hardest... something the clinician could have seen and helped me correct, while I was under his or her auspices, rather than hurt me with it later, when I can't see it coming.
I hate how arbitrary the grading process is. It is so very, very destructive to my pallid, delicate, newborn, altricial professional confidence -- the part of veterinary medicine I have the toughest time with. How am I supposed to learn the confidence I need to practice, if I am never allowed any wins?