||[Jun. 14th, 2004|06:38 am]
|||||cats, crying for breakfast||]|
Teaching dreams. Woke up this morning thinking about Saturday -- my sudden loneliness. Realized that I've had my heart slammed shut for months, it being easier to do without all of what I need than to confront the prospect of having my soul parceled out, getting the air and water and sustenance of my life piecemeal. No wonder people I know here have told me (dubiously) that I had "a great attitude" about being abandoned like that. I've basically had no attitude at all -- I just haven't let myself think about it. I didn't even realize I could compartmentalize like that.
Saturday, terribly tired, with time to think (which I never allow myself), and having opened the door a crack (thanks to Peter) -- the place where I keep my emotions now is a pretty chaotic landscape. So I will need to wrestle with that, at some time in the future, if I am to reclaim my emotional life. And I would very much like to. Would like to have love and trust be part of the fabric of my life again; would like to return to my former openness, my joy in sharing. Once upon a time, I never feared any emotion. The strength I have used to pull myself through this year is hollow, if I do it by locking away my heart.
David, my beloved best friend, you've traveled in and out of that place like a ghost through the walls, and seen what I have wrought already. I apologize; once again, you knew before I did. Someday, I swear, I will be an easier friend. Teach me how you wrestle with your own demons -- I have a lot to learn, to truly live the examined life.
Why is it that the people who care about us can see us so much more clearly than we can see ourselves?