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Minnesota Hypothesis - Catherine Fischer [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Catherine Fischer

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Minnesota Hypothesis [Jul. 15th, 2005|11:49 am]
Catherine Fischer
[Tags|]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |Return to Egypt, James Asher]

Well, I dragged Elise & Timi to the Minneapolis courthouse today, and had my hearing -- my name is officially changed to Catherine Margaret Fischer. Yay! Now, having jumped through all the flaming hoops Minnesota requires to change one's name, I just have to sent a gazillion official copies of the court order (at $10 apiece) to a gazillion organizations, institutions, bureaucracies, and offices to get THEM to change my name on their records... probably twice, since on average, that's what it took the LAST time I changed my name. Never again.

And none of this, of course, addresses the argument I have with myself every night, regarding how nervous I'm getting about the whole remarriage thing, as my divorce gets uglier and uglier.

The divorce will be final on January 7th, 2006. Congratulations, Kevin; you have reached the pinnacle of your career of procrastination. You dragged your feet until you hung up my wedding. I believe I WILL claim every bit of your money I'm entitled to, since I supported you on student loans for a year and a half while you resented every bit of help I asked you for. I'm very much looking forward to unencumbering my life with the baggage that you are.

So after the court hearing, I dropped Elise and Timi off at school, and then headed for the zoo, where I was to meet the rest of the ophthalmology team to examine a hornbill. I had the directions given to me by Dr. Schoster... the first problem occurred almost immediately, when I discovered that you couldn't actually get onto 35E south from 94 east. No, I followed the signs to where they dumped me off in downtown St. Paul, wandered around a bit, discovered on a map that you can't get there from here, got onto 35E NORTH, drove a while, found an overpass, exited and got onto 35E SOUTH. And drove. And drove. And drove. And left the Twin Cities area. And saw no signs of the zoo. And couldn't find the zoo in my Thomas's guide. And got low on gas, exited to fill up, and found I couldn't get back onto 35E south. And gave up and went home, after driving around for an hour and a half.

My hypothesis is that Minnesotans are actually from other places, but accidentally ended up here and couldn't find their way out again. I have yet to find a road in Minnesota that makes an ounce of logical sense. Freeway intersections look like Celtic knotwork, with crocheted blankets in the middle. Each freeway change involves 4-5 lane changes and 5-6 Y-intersections (or 3-4 way forks), 2 left hand merges, and several near accidents. The roads were not so much planned as they grew, like intertwining grape vines, with accidents and astronomical insurance rates the only fruit borne.

I hate driving in this state.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: chaosphaere
2005-07-15 05:26 pm (UTC)
Good luck with the divorce. I am going through it too, now. Only married a year, too. Ugh, it's never fun. But I'm very happy that even in the middle of all of that, you found a real love, all the same.

-- Dreia (previously ThirdUnity and Chaosphaere)
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[User Picture]From: copper9lives
2005-07-15 05:30 pm (UTC)

Oh no!!!

Oh Dreia, I'm so sorry to hear it! I loved reading about your wedding... hang in there, it gets better! With or without anyone else in the picture, it gets better. When the fire is over, we rise like the Phoenix...
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[User Picture]From: chaosphaere
2005-07-15 05:36 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh no!!!

Thanks for the support.
Strangely, the wedding was the beginning of the end... it was the death rattle of the relationship. So many resentments and issues came up between us while planning the wedding, and we just couldn't recover. Then everything snowballed from that point.

I learned a lot of things... for one, it seems like being in a relationship is just like being alone, only there's someone else there. It may not be true for everyone, but it's what I needed to learn, because I was so lovesick for so long. Now I'm focused on myself. Taking this time for me.

It's also the first time I've really ended a relationship. I've held on to the last, always, even with people who were barely interested. I took the step of moving out, this time. Knowing that I can end a relationship makes me less reluctant to get into one in the future.

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[User Picture]From: copper9lives
2005-07-15 05:51 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh no!!!

:-(

Yeah, there were serious issues we spoke about addressing before the wedding, that, due to his strongly-held beliefs on the subject, we could not address, despite his reassurances. Mutual respect was a must, but I never had his. Learning Experience. Again.

And so doubts plague me, now, as to how much of every relationship I make up... and generally I hold to the belief "when in doubt, say no". Which doesn't make my prospects for my future marriage look particularly bright.

Then again, I generally don't have any doubts while in his presence. I hope the magic returns when he does. He seems to have many of the same ideas I have regarding what a marriage should be.

The pursuit of one's own dreams should never come second. Should not have to be put on hold for the pursuit of a relationship -- rather, the two should complement one another.

And relationship should NOT be just like being alone, but with someone else there -- that's what my last marriage was like. It should be a sharing of two well-developed lives, so that there is overlap, creating its own space, becoming its own entity.

At least that's always what I've wanted, and what I intended in a marriage. Otherwise, why bother? Weddings are a pain in the ass, and divorces are like trying to chew off a foot to escape a leg trap somewhere in Hell, followed by bribing a lot of lesser demons in official positions to let one escape.

I see why people just murder their spouses. It's a lot easier.

Good for you for being the one to take action! Had I had the courage, which I did not, I would have left him behind in the Bay Area the previous August, when I already knew that he would not see my point of view and knew that I could not forgive him. When I knew that his world view and wants were far too small to accommodate my own. I should have. I would have enjoyed my experience in vet school much more, had I done so.
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[User Picture]From: chaosphaere
2005-07-15 10:08 pm (UTC)

Re: Oh no!!!

Yeah, there were serious issues we spoke about addressing before the wedding, that, due to his strongly-held beliefs on the subject, we could not address, despite his reassurances.

That's exactly what it was with me and Marc. Could never talk about anything. Subject would get changed, he'd get uncomfortable. He didn't want to discuss what plans we were making, or that he had, for my life, and for our life together.

Mutual respect was a must, but I never had his. Learning Experience. Again.

Yeah. And the trouble is, it's only in retrospect sometimes that we see that it's not there.

Then again, I generally don't have any doubts while in his presence. I hope the magic returns when he does. He seems to have many of the same ideas I have regarding what a marriage should be.

I hope this works out for you. You've grown, and so hopefully the people you're choosing reflect that.

The pursuit of one's own dreams should never come second. Should not have to be put on hold for the pursuit of a relationship -- rather, the two should complement one another.

Agreed. That was another thing with me and Marc...
I gave up my student aid to marry him, and all he offered me were weak assurances that things would "work out". Then, he was resentful that I want to go to UC, and beyond a bachelor's degree.

And relationship should NOT be just like being alone, but with someone else there -- that's what my last marriage was like. It should be a sharing of two well-developed lives, so that there is overlap, creating its own space, becoming its own entity.

This was my first *real* relationship; all I had really were "high school boyfriend" style relationships where I had always wanted it to be more, and a few very deep platonic friendships. This was the first one that I lived with. I tend to not date much, and tend to go a long time between partners. My whole idea of relationships is probably immature and warped.

I'll respond to the rest of this in a bit.
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