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Heavy Sunday - Catherine Fischer [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Catherine Fischer

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Heavy Sunday [May. 9th, 2004|06:19 pm]
Catherine Fischer
[mood |lethargiclethargic]
[music |Euphoria: Beautiful My Child (terrific album)]

Thick and logy from a weekend of fucking around, even though I didn't drink at all yesterday (having drunk enough Friday that I didn't want to yesterday at the beginning of semester party).

Friday night, I had a wonderful time hanging out with friends, my classmates...I never get the chance to just hang out and talk to these people, despite the fact I've always liked them. As I was improvising a pineapple upside-down cake recipe like mad, I ended up being much later than originally planned, and they were waiting for me with their second bucket of beer, starving. Comedy of errors! The food was great (Turtle Beach Bar does a really good lobster); the cake, mercifully, turned out ok. (I shared a bunch of it with the cool waitress and the chefs.) On discussing my name change, I was outvoted by my classmates and told to change it to "Princess Consuela Bananahammock". I get the feeling this will not be the end of this.

After dinner, Jen was tired; I gave her a ride home, sad I couldn't spend more time talking to her. She had offered to make me a birthday cake; I told her I was planning on making that pineapple upside-down cake, not realizing that she's a really good baker. Doh! Not feeling like packing it in just yet, I met Elise and Jaime (and a whole pile of other classmates) at Inon's beach bar, where lots of people bought me drinks. When the DJ finally started spinning soca, I ended up shaking it on the dance floor with a bunch of local guys, singing along at the top of my lungs. As the moon rose, a friend from the class ahead of mine gave me a nice birthday kiss.

Still too tipsy to drive, I caught a ride with Elise and Jaime to Godfather's beach bar (on another beach), where there was a full moon party. It turned out to be a quiet affair; bonfire on the beach, long conversation with a classmate I've always admired, but never gotten to hang out with. Caught a ride to my car with him and his girlfriend; 3 a.m. -- was sober, and drove home.

Two hours later, got up to monitor turtles on North Friar's beach (I'd been on South Friar's for the full moon party). Diana had stayed up pretty late, too, so the two of us felt pretty beat. Found several old nests (possibly; recorded them just in case) and one fresh crawl (which was kind of exciting -- the turtle must have been nesting while I was talking with Darren at the full moon party). After documenting it, we covered it up as best we could, to protect it from poachers. Not a lot of nesting activity on North Friar's, this year.

Hung out by our parked cars for a while after turtling, just limin' with my turtling partners, then went home, and slept for a few hours. Went to the beginning of semester party (BOSP), where I met up with my turtling partners again, and went snorkeling. It was a stellar day for it; Turtle Beach, adjacent to the St. Kitts-Nevis channel, is usually rough and windy, but today it was smooth and calm, and the sea was like glass. I got to show off the local sea fan gardens, which I have always loved; saw tons of lobsters in coral colonies. The BOSP was really quiet; this weekend, the intercollegiate olympics (involving a bunch of medical schools in the area) were happening on St. Martin, and most of the school was off-island.

Spent all afternoon, after everyone went home to shower and change, lying in the hammock upstairs reading Ursula LeGuin -- delicious guilty pleasure! Decided at 7 to go feed the cats and change, come back later to dance -- no one had shown back up yet. I met about two dozen cars on the way out, so I know students were finally returning, but by the time I got home, I was tired, so I dinked around online and went to bed. Slept long and deep.

This morning, I got a shock in my email in-box -- having been cranky on Friday with my best friend in an email discussion about relationships and moving into the future, I learned that he had broken off his marriage of 11 years. What is it, an epidemic? I felt terrible for some of the things I said in the email Friday, but he assured me that they needed said, which was, after all, true. So now here are the two of us, at large in the world, all past plans called off, unsure where we'll end up or what will become of us. I had told him I felt like a "kite without strings"; he told me he wanted to soar, too. The things we anchor ourselves to, unwilling to lose the good in a situation, even while we're drowning in that which isn't good anymore... We talked all morning, into the afternoon. It was good to connect, and hash over some of the nuances that no eloquence can ever convey in just writing, share the emotions we haven't been able to explain to each other in email. God, I love that man. I had a moment of vertigo when something I said brought it home to me that he's the only person in my life that I've ever truly shared a sense of spirituality with, and shared that side of myself with. Despite all of the emotional relationships, the intellectual relationships, the physical ones -- there was only him for that western quarter, the side of me where I perhaps need the most.

We have a lot of growing to do. Hopefully, we can share the experience as we go along. I feel so shallow and trivial, launching into a second childhood of partying and uncommitted relationships, in the face of his pain and sacrifice... then again, I guess I know how he feels, too. And now he definitely understands where I was at a couple of months ago, when Kevin broke off the marriage. The confusion, the loss, even while trying to deal with it logically... I cling too much to the past, and the good therein; I don't think I could have been the one to end it, as Kevin did, as Dave did. I told Dave so, but despised Kevin for being so cold, at the time. I haven't heard from Kevin in weeks. He's dopplering into the past with such appalling rapidity... 6 years of my life gone, without a trace.

I've gotten so little done, today; I feel like I'm drowning in a glut of emotional input, the quicksand of altered sleep cycles and too much to process. Mentation obtunded, I can't seem to absorb the article I keep staring at. Better attack a different subject, since I'm not making any headway here.

Well, Dave, here's to new ventures, and the inevitable adventures we'll have on the way -- tout bagay! Onward, and upward!
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: renae127
2004-05-10 03:12 am (UTC)

Me too

Wow...what a weekend for you! I will definitely go out and share a drink with you soon...promise! Good that you and your best friend can lean on each other...that is important. I, too, feel like a kite without strings at the moment (just professionally though at this point). What a great way to say it. Have a good week!
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